Dear Taylor: How Do I Live With HSV?
When someone is living with herpes, especially HSV-2 at a young age, the world can suddenly feel divided into “before” and “after.” The shame, the fear of rejection, the pressure to disclose… these emotions can make everyday conversations feel like landmines. But underneath it all is a longing to feel normal again, to feel chosen, to feel safe. This is a letter about grief, self-blame, and the slow, courageous work of rebuilding a life you didn’t choose, but can still grow into.
Dear Taylor,
My name is Ariana, and I’m 20. And lately, it feels like I’m 20 going on 50, like life aged me overnight.
I wake up most mornings with this heavy knot in my chest, and today it finally got too heavy to hold. I was talking to a friend about dating and relationships, normal girl talk, and I suddenly just shut down. I always do. I change the topic, make an excuse, or pretend I’m fine, because the truth is I can’t relate the way they can.
One of my friends even called me “bitter.” She said it so casually, like it was just an observation. She wanted us to hang out with some guys that night, and I panicked. With HSV-2, I’m so cautious around men. I feel like I have to disclose the moment a guy even looks at me for more than two seconds. It’s like the responsibility of my whole sexual health history sits on my tongue at all times.
And my friends… God, they don’t get it. They make jokes about STDs and herpes, not knowing that I’m sitting right there swallowing the hurt. They don’t understand how being a young woman living with HSV feels like your world is suddenly fenced in.
I’m scared to date. I’m scared to make friends. I’m scared someone will find out. I cry almost every day because I’m so afraid life won’t flourish for me. I keep telling myself, “You’re still young, you’ll experience so much,” but part of me doesn’t believe that.
I wish I could meet a guy and feel confident and alive and hopeful, but I don’t. Instead, I feel like I “owe” my status before I even get to know them. Yet the man who gave this to me, a 30-year-old man, didn’t owe me anything, apparently. He didn’t care.
I feel like my life was taken without my permission. I can’t smile like I used to. I miss the version of me at 19 who could’ve walked away. But she’s gone, and now I feel lost.
I’m sorry for the rant. Some days, the grief just eats me alive.
DEAR ARIANA,
You’re not broken. You’re grieving. And grief, when it’s tied to trauma and shame, can feel like drowning in slow motion.
Everything you wrote makes sense. Your tears make sense. Your fear makes sense. And the loneliness, especially at 20, cuts deep because you’re still trying to understand who you are while carrying a secret you never asked for.
But here’s the truth I need you to hold gently: HSV did not ruin your life. It interrupted it. And interruptions aren’t endings; they are beginnings you didn’t plan for.
If you want to learn more about other traditional solutions, check this out: Regain Control Over Your Health
What do you deserve to believe about yourself again?
Here’s where I want you to start, slowly, softly:
1. What happened to you was wrong, and your pain is justified.
A 30-year-old man knowingly putting a 19-year-old girl in harm’s way is not “a mistake.” It is a violation of trust. When you say your life feels “taken,” that is trauma speaking, not weakness.
2. Having herpes does not make you unworthy of love, dating, or joy.
Millions of people live with HSV, and they date, fall in love, get married, have families, have incredible sex, build friendships, and rebuild confidence. These are herpes acceptance stories the world doesn’t tell, but they’re real.
3. You don’t owe strangers your sexual health.
Disclosure is a conversation for intimacy, not introductions. You get to decide when someone has earned that information, not when they earn your attention.
4. Your friends’ jokes hurt because you’re human, not because you’re “overreacting.”
People joke about things they don’t understand. Their ignorance is not your truth. It may help, when you feel ready, to say, “Hey, that topic is sensitive for me. Could we leave STI jokes out of conversations?” You don’t need to explain why.
5. Start reconnecting with yourself, not dating.
This is the season for rebuilding emotional safety. Journaling, therapy, long walks, creative outlets, community spaces for people living confidently with HSV, even supporting your immune system with nourishing food or supplements like monolaurin, all of these are acts of self-respect.
6. You are not “behind” in life. You are healing.
Healing takes time, and at 20, your story is still just beginning. You haven’t lost the chance for love; you are growing into the version of you who will choose better, love deeper, and hold herself with more compassion than she ever did at 19.
And to anyone reading this who feels Ariana’s fear: you are more than an acronym. You are not the stigma. You are not the shame. You are still lovable, still wanted, still whole.