Dear Taylor: Am I Guaranteed to Get Herpes If I Stay With Him?
When love and fear meet at the same crossroads, most people assume they have to choose one or the other. But real connection often lives in the middle, where honesty, vulnerability, and informed choices replace stigma and worst-case scenarios. Today’s letter is about falling for someone with HSV and navigating the fear of what that might mean for your own body, future, and heart.
DEAR TAYLOR,
First, thank you. I’ve learned so much from reading other people’s herpes acceptance stories here. I never imagined I’d be writing one myself.
I’m 27, and I recently met a guy through a mutual friend. We clicked in that rare, almost instant way. He told me he had feelings for me, and honestly, it felt like someone had opened a window in a stuffy room. I was falling for him too.
A few days later, he disclosed, in a nervous, roundabout way, that he has herpes. HSV. I could tell he was scared to say it, like he expected me to look at him differently. But I didn’t. He isn’t “gross” or “tainted.” He’s kind, communicative, and attentive. If anything, I cared more after that conversation because he trusted me.
My fear isn’t him. It’s the possibility of outbreaks. I already have chronic medical issues that bring their own pain, and I’m terrified of adding more suffering onto an already full plate.
We’ve talked about it, really talked. He said he’d be willing to have a relationship without sex if that made me feel safe. That meant a lot. And yet… I still want to be close to him. I want intimacy. I want all of it, as long as I know he’s serious about me.
So here’s the heart of it: Am I guaranteed to catch herpes if I pursue a long-term intimate relationship with him?
Or is it more of a maybe, something where antivirals, condoms, communication, and care can bring the risk down to a level that doesn’t feel like an inevitable future for me?
DEAR MAYA,
Thank you for trusting me with this. I can feel the tenderness in your letter, the excitement of new love pressed up against the fear of losing control over a body that has already endured more than most people ever see. That mix of hope and self-protection is so human.
You’re not afraid of him. You’re afraid of stepping into more pain, more uncertainty, more medical management. That fear doesn’t make you cold or shallow. It makes you someone who knows her limits.
And I want you to hear this clearly: you’re allowed to want love while also wanting safety.
Where does your heart feel open, and where does it feel guarded?
Here are some truths to guide you through both:
1. Transmission is not guaranteed, not even in long-term relationships.
This is one of the most misunderstood parts of dating with herpes. With antivirals, condoms, and avoiding sex during symptoms, the risk becomes low, low enough that countless HSV-mixed couples go years, even decades, without transmission.
This doesn’t erase your caution. But it means your future is not scripted. It’s not fate. It’s choice, communication, and shared responsibility.
2. Your chronic pain is a valid part of your calculation.
You’re not comparing love to a virus. You’re comparing your current capacity to the possibility of additional suffering. That nuance matters. Anyone who has lived with pain knows that even the thought of adding more can feel overwhelming.
You are allowed to protect yourself. That is not rejection, it is self-compassion.
3. His response tells you something important about his emotional maturity.
When someone says, “We can be together without sex if that’s what you need,” they’re showing you that intimacy isn’t a commodity. It’s not something he believes he deserves in exchange for connection.
That willingness to slow down is the foundation of a safe relationship, with HSV or without it.
4. Get curious about what intimacy means to you, not just what you fear.
Ask yourself:
Am I drawn to him because he makes me feel seen?
Do I feel emotionally safe when we talk?
Does the desire for connection outweigh the fear most days?
Or am I saying yes to him while saying no to myself?
The clarity isn’t in the statistics. It’s in your body. Your gut. Your values.
5. Support your own health so intimacy feels empowered, not fearful.
If you choose a physical relationship, you can still feel grounded. A strong immune system: good food, hydration, rest, and supplements like monolaurin can help you feel more in control of your health.
If you want to learn more about other traditional solutions, check this out: Regain Control Over Your Health
This isn’t about eliminating risk. It’s about reminding yourself that you are not powerless.
6. Remember: love is always a risk, but not always a danger.
Every relationship carries uncertainty. Every partnership asks us to surrender a bit of control. With HSV, the risk simply has a name. But love also has a name: connection. Care. Choice.
And for everyone reading:
Herpes stigma is far louder than the reality of the virus itself. Living confidently with HSV, or loving someone who has it, is entirely possible. Herpes does not diminish worth, desirability, or the ability to build a deeply loving partnership.
Read more letters on Dating With Herpes, and explore The Dating Bible for advice on dating with honesty, courage, and self-respect.