dear taylor: Why does dating feel so hard after herpes?

“I’m so jealous of people who can just easily date”.

For most people, college is supposed to be a time of exploration, late night talks, new crushes, and messy first loves. But for Hannah, it felt like everyone else got the memo on how to date freely, except her.

Dating with herpes in college is not easy — Dating With Herpes blog story on stigma and compassion

dear taylor

“I’m so jealous of people who can just easily date.”

College was supposed to be about new beginnings, late-night talks, messy first loves, and stories you laugh about years later.
But for me, it feels like everyone else got the memo on how to date freely… except me.

I was 19 when I got my diagnosis. It started with what looked like a cold sore after a weekend trip. The campus clinic confirmed it: HSV-1.
At first, I didn’t think much of it. “It’s just oral herpes,” I told myself. But once it was mine, the word felt heavier.

Suddenly, every movie kiss made me flinch. Every dating conversation came with a quiet ache.

When my roommate told me to try a dating app, I hesitated.
“What if someone recognizes me?” I said, half-joking.
She laughed. “Girl, everyone’s on there. Relax.”

But I didn’t relax.

I’d scroll, match with someone cute, then delete my profile a few days later. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to date. I just couldn’t imagine how.
When do you tell someone? How do you tell someone? Will they think I’m dirty?

I wanted something real, but I started to believe I didn’t deserve it anymore.
The hardest part isn’t being single, it’s watching everyone else experience something you thought you lost.

— Hannah

dear hannah

When I read your letter, I could feel every word. That mix of longing, fear, and quiet comparison. I’ve been there too.

It’s not just about dating, is it?
It’s about feeling like you’re standing outside your own life, watching everyone else move through it with ease.

The truth is, herpes has a way of slowing life down. It makes you pause, think, question, protect, and yes, sometimes, ache.
But here’s what it doesn’t do: it doesn’t take away your ability to connect, to be loved, or to deserve softness.

The loneliness you feel doesn’t mean you’ve lost something; it just means you’re craving something deeper.
And that craving? It’s a sign of strength. It means you’re not settling for surface-level affection anymore.

You said you’re jealous of people who can date easily. I get that. But ease and depth rarely live in the same place.
The kind of connection that comes after honesty, after truth, is the kind that lasts.

Herpes doesn’t close doors; it just changes the way you walk through them.

How Can You Start Dating Again After Herpes?

If you’ve ever felt like Hannah, here are a few gentle ways to ease back into connection, at your own pace, without pressure or shame.

1. Accept your pace

You don’t have to move as fast as everyone else.
Take your time. Connection built with honesty will always feel better than something rushed.

2. Don’t confuse rejection with your worth

If someone can’t handle your truth, it’s not about you.
It’s about where they are in their own emotional growth.

3. Start small

You don’t need to go on dates right away.
Start by opening up in safe spaces, or even journaling about what scares you.
You’ll notice that the more you say it out loud, the less power it holds.

4. Redefine intimacy

Intimacy isn’t only physical. It can be emotional, spiritual, or simply feeling seen by someone who listens.
You get to decide what closeness looks like now.

5. Remember, it gets easier

The fear won’t last forever.
With time, herpes becomes something you live with, not something that defines you.

You’re learning to love in a world that teaches us to fear imperfection, and that’s one of the bravest things a person can do.

Read more real stories on Dating with Herpes, and explore The Dating Bible for thoughtful insights on dating with honesty, courage, and self-respect.